Read for Motivation – #MomHack

Monday #MomHack… Read for Motivation.

 

We move every 2-3 years, and that was the norm as I was growing up, too.   You would think I’d have a system down-pat, and know just what to do. . .

 

While that is sort of true, it isn’t really.  I have friends who have spreadsheets they use each move, timelines for move prep, and can declutter/organized/packout in less than a month.

 

Not me.

 

But what DOES work for me (other than hustle and lists) is to read for motivation, to get into the moving mindset.  Reading books and moving hack blogposts, listening to minimalist podcasts and decluttering audio books, . . .  Sure, they could be seen as a distraction from doing the work. But for me, they provide motivation and forward momentum.  

 

“Decluttering at the Speed of Life” (aff)  was recommended by a friend a couple of months ago.  To avoid clutter, of course I bought it on Kindle.  It’s been just the inspiration I need to toss what we don’t need, and get under our 7200lbs weight limit.  (Where did this stuff come from?! I hate shopping. . .  Oh, yeah, we have six kids and homeschool. . .)

 

Pretty good progress the past couple of weeks. . . Five boxes of homeschool books and supplies to homeschool friends, four boxes of don’t-judge-me-by-these-books boxes to my bookclub gals, six boxes of clothes to the Kirk for distribution, four boxes of miscellany donated to the thrift shop, and a partridge in a pear tree. . .

 

Yes, we’re making progress and I’m motivated to do more.

 

 

 

Remembering Hana, 1997 – 2011

Hana Williams, Kidane Mehret

Hana Williams, 1997-2011

It’s been seven years since the death of Hana (Alemu) Williams.

In the past seven years, I am not aware of any further deaths linked to “To Train Up A Child” by Michael and Debi Pearl. But abuse is still happening.

Still, I hear people recommending this resource to new parents — though more hush-hush than before.

We mourn.  Mourn the lives of Sean, Lydia, and Hana.  Mourn the children harmed by their parents, influenced by the Pearls.  Mourn for the lost innocence of the children and church alike.

 

 

God, have mercy.

 

 

Good parenting resources:

(Use discernment — You are the parents God gave your children, and no ones knows them or loves them the way you do!  Most, but not all, of these resources are explicitly Christian.)

Clay and Sally Clarkson / Whole Heart Ministries

Dr. Timothy Sisemore / Our Covenant with Kids

Dr. Ross Campbell / Relational Parenting

National Center for Biblical Parenting

L. R. Knost / Jesus, The Gentle Parent

Dr. Laura Markham / Aha! Parenting

Imperfect Families Coaching

Hand in Hand Parenting

Raising Real Men

 

More about the Pearls / No Greater Joy:

World Magazine, To Brainwash a Parent

Tim Challies, Review of “To Train Up a Child”

Rey Reynoso, An Examination of the Pearl Method

Christianity Today, When Child Discipline Becomes Abuse

Christian Research Institute, Christian Families on the Edge

Why Not Train a Child?: Clearinghouse of Info on the Pearls

C. L. Dyck, Parenting in the Name of God (Theological Analysis)

 

From the TG archives:

What’s the Fuss about Michael and Debi Pearl?

Biblical Relationships or Behaviourism

On the Pearls and Parenting

Pearls Po-Russki

 

 

Remembering Sean Paddock

Remembering Hana Williams

Remembering Lydia Schatz

 

 

Reconciliation: Building a RAFT when we Move

Building a RAFT

Wheels’ up is six weeks from today. While we’re flying out of The Bahamas, I’m more focused on building a RAFT with the kids, in preparation for the move.

“Building a RAFT” is a tool developed by TCK pioneer and sociologist David Pollack. I first came across this idea about two decades ago in the book Raising Resilient MKs (<– free e- version!), and have been implementing this technique in the seven moves since! The “logs” of this raft are Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewells, and Transition/Think Destination.

Sidenote: When I started writing this, I thought I’d give a brief overview of each of the of these aspects in one blog post. Haha! Of course, writing brings to the surface much of what I’ve been pondering and so today I’m going to just focus on Reconciliation.

 

Reconciliation:

In the Eighties, my family moved from the tropical, Mayberry-like base of Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, to the busy (and cold!) suburbs of Chicago. In the midst of my junior high emotions and junior high struggles, I remember my mom admonishing me that there are no “location cures.” Ouch.

My mom knew me, and knew that in typical military kid fashion I had begun to view moves as a solution to problems. She shared her wisdom that when we move, we bring our struggles with us.

The R in RAFT stands for Reconciliation. I apply this in two ways — making sure I seek to make right any disrupted relationships, and looking inward to see what within myself is upset and and needs reconciling.

As I type this, I feel a tightening in my chest and a local friend comes to mind. This is someone I care about, and I wish I could deny the relationship was disrupted. But when I am honest with myself, I know that I have not been the friend to her I want to be, and that I’ve prematurely retreated from the relationship. We have no big conflict which needs to be addressed, but I do need to reconcile before we leave. I know that if I don’t attend to this now, it will be something that will continue to burden me when we move. And I do care about her! I don’t want to leave her with any unresolved stress either. Moving brings an opportunity to consider how, so far as it depends on me, be at peace with all. (Rom 12:18)

Similarly, I’ve talked with my teenagers — what can they do to leave on the best of terms with their friends? Are there any people to whom they need to apologize–or forgive? What problems do they expect to change when we move? My teens are pretty self-aware and know there are no “location cures” — but it’s easy to have that idea infiltrate our subconscious.

 

A Clean Slate

One of the perks of moving is being able to implement in a grand way what Gretchen Rubin calls the Clean Slate strategy. Yes, I do get a fresh start when we move. I can design a new routine, new habits, a new me! — the possibilities feel endless!

But as my Mom tried to counsel me in junior high, a clean slate is not a “location cure.” I bring my own self wherever I go. My internal struggles come along me.

Moving often brings to the surface unresolved internal conflicts. I see my own weaknesses writ large, under the logistical pressures of the move. Unexpected emotions surface.

My hopes for a fresh start when we arrived, feel unfulfilled by the reality of how my days have unfolded in this place.

I’ve found it is important to give time and space during the moving prep, to allow reflection. I take this as time of reflection to see what God has done in my life, as we’ve lived in this place. My struggles, my growth; the stresses, God’s faithfulness. When I actually do this and bring these internal conflicts to the Lord, He brings reconciliation to my soul.

 

A Reminder

My friend Karen Campbell used to start each of her podcasts with the reminder of the promise that is true not just for when we move, but for every day:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23

Amen.

Memory, Spring 2012


Being questioned by immigration after an insanely long pregovac flight, from Kenya to the U.S., traveling with a passel of kids…

“What do you do?” the agent asked.

I was so tired.

Looked at him blankly. Thought it must be a trick question.

Glanced at my huge belly and replied, “Make babies?”

The Beginning of Goodbyes

Another Good-bye

We have another big transition looming — we’re leaving Nassau, the Bahamas, after making it our home for three years.

I feel like I’m in a good place. I’m ready for the change, and at the same time not longing for it. I’m preparing, but not rushing to be gone. Each day I’m content, happy to be here — but the days are going by too quickly.

I’ve started my goodbyes.

We’ve moved frequently enough for me to know that I start withdrawing from people and my regular routine about six months before we move. This time I very consciously chose to not think about move logistics or disengage from life here that early. I compartmentalized — even scheduled it on my calendar! — I won’t start planning the move until April.

Yet, life intervened and a series of mild illnesses and guests started in January and disrupted our normal routines. In spite of my planning, we did start withdrawing from our regular routine about six months before the move.

 

Building a RAFT

One of the strategies I’ve leaned on for helping my kids (and myself!) through transitions is TCK pioneer and sociologist David Pollack’s strategy of  “Building a RAFT” (pp. 77-78)I first read about this nearly two decades ago by Jean Larson in the book Raising Resilient MKs <– you can get a free copy is this great resource! (In fact, I first blogged about Building a Raft in 2005 when we getting ready to leave Kyiv the first time.)

As a mom in a family that frequently moves, I really prioritize helping to nurture each family member through transitions. Each of us, in our own way, will go through the ups and downs of moving internally. I can’t weather the storm for them. But I can be with them, and help them build that raft that will help them navigate the rapids of this river of change.

Frequent travelers know, “put on your own oxygen mask first” — I am well aware that I’m not exempt from the challenges of moving. Yet I’ve found that helping my kids process their transitions in the move helps me process my own.

 

What is this RAFT?

Reconciliation
Affirmation
Farewells
Think Ahead

 

 

In the coming days, I’ll be writing more about what RAFTing looks like in our family, especially for our teens.  And I’m interested in what you’ve found helpful for your family when saying goodbyes. . . But it is time for me to get off the laptop where I’m pondering the emotional side of moving, and start sorting through stuff and prep for the material side of moving.

 

Useful acronymns:
MKs – Missionary Kids
TCKs – Third Culture Kids (Growing up outside of their passport country, like many military, diplomat, and multinational corporation families)
PCS – Permanent Change of Station, i.e., moving

 

Useful Resources:
Raising Resilient MKs – Physical Book
Raising Resilient MKs – Free, Ebook
Building a RAFT, Marilyn Gardner

 

Stages of PCS’ing

Adrienne Hedger captures the zeitgeist of  spring cleaning, but for me it sums up PCS’ing season.  PCS is one of the myriad military acronyms which bleed over into my life — Permanent Change of Station.

Spring Cleaning! Adrienne Hedger

It’s April. We pack out and the kids and I leave in June. Hubby follows in July.

I actually scheduled on my calendar that I would only prep for the move starting in July.  I didn’t want to focus on leaving too soon. I wanted to be present, in the moment, in this place. . .   Yes, goodbyes and move logistics take time, but like many big tasks, they expand to fit the space I give them.

Now it is the end of April, and move prep is in full swing. We did a pre-move inspection and are repairing the odds and ends around the house that are normal wear and tear for a family of eight (but not normal wear and tear for a typical renter!)  We’re sorting through clothes, books, misc. . .  I’m at the point at which part of me wouldn’t mind if our container slipped to the bottom of the ocean and we had no more things.  And then I see our family photos, special artwork, and other sentimental items and I know that isn’t really what I want.

In addition to the physical preparations, we are in the midst of the emotional and relational preparations.  Those are a bit more complicated.  I’ll write more on that and Building a Raft later.

But for now, it’s time for another cup of coffee, harnessing my motivation, and culling more of possessions to get under 7200lbs before we pack out.

Remembering Sean, 2001-2006

Sean Paddock, 2001 – 2006

Today is the 12th anniversary of the death of Sean Paddock.

 

Twelve years ago, sweet little Sean Paddock died.  He was just four years old, and at that time my boys were ages five through ten. Like my boys, he had sandy hair and was full of energy and fun. Like my boys, he got into mischief and had to be told to get back in to bed a hundred times.

 

Sean died of asphyxiation after being wrapped so tightly in blankets that it interfered with his breathing.  His foster/adoptive mother stated that it was to keep him from wandering at night.

 

Lynn Paddock was convicted of first-degree murder and felony child abuse, and the court later found that Johnny Paddock “aided and abetted” the abuse in the home. The couple agreed that Lynn would “discipline” the children because Johnny had anger issues.  The Paddocks were influenced by Michael and Debi Pearl and their  book “To Train Up a Child.”

 

Today the Pearls still teach these harmful parenting practices.

 

Sean Paddock was a victim of what sadly can be too common within the Christian subculture — parents who may want to do everything “right,” but listen to harmful advice and seek to completely control their children under the guise of discipline.

 

Consider this teaching of the Pearls:

“If you have to sit on him to spank him then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he is surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring and are unmoved by his wailing. Defeat him totally. Accept no conditions for surrender. No compromise. You are to rule over him as a benevolent sovereign. Your word is final.”

 

The Pearls teach parents that they should use whatever force is necessary to restrain a child, to hold him there until he is surrendered. . . defeat him totally. Using blankets to do that as Lynn Paddock did definitely fits the “spirit” of what is taught, though the Pearls do not give that specific example.

 

Furthermore, Michael and Debi Pearl promote striking children with “a light, flexible instrument [that] will sting without bruising or causing internal damage. Many people are using a section of ¼ inch plumber’s supply line as a spanking instrument.” The autopsy showed that Sean’s body was covered with “layers of thin, long bruises — old and new — stretch[ing] from Sean’s bottom to his shoulder blade,” consistent with the plumbing supply line and wooden spoon found in the Paddock home.

 

Sean’s death was twelve years ago.  Why am I still writing about this?

 

Because we can not allow child abuse in the name of Jesus to continue.

 

Unfortunately,  Christian parents are still vulnerable to the high-control, “break the will” practices taught under a veneer of biblical-sounding phrases.  The Pearls are not the only ones, but they are still quite prominent.  While these parenting practices don’t usually result in the extreme cases of abuse and death, they commonly cause fractured relationships and  harm.

 

Christians, we can do better than this.

 

Christians, we can do better than this.  We MUST do better than this. We need to speak out about the false teachers in the church.  We need to speak out for the least of these.

 

Equip yourself to raise your children in the “nurture and admonition of the Lord.” Serve those in your community who are raising children.  Come alongside those who are struggling.  Seek the Lord.

 

 

 

Good parenting resources:

(Use discernment — You are the parents God gave your children, and no ones knows them or loves them the way you do!  Most, but not all, of these resources are explicitly Christian.)

Clay and Sally Clarkson / Whole Heart Ministries

Dr. Timothy Sisemore / Our Covenant with Kids

Dr. Ross Campbell / Relational Parenting

National Center for Biblical Parenting

L. R. Knost / Jesus, The Gentle Parent

Dr. Laura Markham / Aha! Parenting

Imperfect Families Coaching

Hand in Hand Parenting

Raising Real Men

 

 

More about the Pearls / No Greater Joy:

World Magazine, To Brainwash a Parent

Tim Challies, Review of “To Train Up a Child”

Rey Reynoso, An Examination of the Pearl Method

Christianity Today, When Child Discipline Becomes Abuse

Christian Research Institute, Christian Families on the Edge

Why Not Train a Child?: Clearinghouse of Info on the Pearls

C. L. Dyck, Parenting in the Name of God (Theological Analysis)

 

From the TG archives:

What’s the Fuss about Michael and Debi Pearl?

Biblical Relationships or Behaviourism

On the Pearls and Parenting

Pearls Po-Russki

 

 

Remembering Sean Paddock

Remembering Hana Williams

Remembering Lydia Schatz