Tag: connected

Affirmation: Building a Raft When We Move

Affirming our Growth, Lake Cunningham, Nassau

 

Building a RAFT

Affirmation of Relationships. . . I wrote the first of this Building a Raft When We Move series in early May, and thought I’d have a post up each week. Haha! Reality is, we’ve been living out rather than writing about the “logs” of Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewells, and Transition/Think Destination. “Building a RAFT” is a tool developed by TCK pioneer and sociologist David Pollack to help people making big transitions. I first came across this idea about two decades ago in the book Raising Resilient MKs (p. 77, aff). You can get a free e-version here!

Jean Larson describes Affirmation as “telling people what they mean to you and thanking them.” I’ve found this to be so important in my relationships and leaving process. Yet as I’ve implemented Affirmation in my transitions, it has grown to include not just the affirmation of relationships, but also an affirmation of the internal growth I’ve experienced in a place.

 

Hard Goodbyes are Good

No matter how complex the logistics of moving may be, the hardest part of moving is the changes in relationships. My first major move was from New Orleans to San Diego. It was the late ‘70s and I was only five. The hardest part of that move was saying good-bye to my grandparents, Maw Maw and Grampie. The loss was acute, and the tears flowed — and no goodbye has been as poignantly hard as that first one.

Hard goodbyes are good — they show us how dear are the people God has put in our lives.

 

Risky Relationships

It’s risky to make friends, when you know you’ll be saying goodbye. At one point in my life, I saw myself become a bit callous to new relationships, and I have seen it at times in my teens — why bother getting close, when we’re only going to leave soon? I don’t need friends. I have friends (long distance) and that is good enough for now.

I’ve even had friends tell me, “We usually don’t bother making friends with embassy families — we know they are going to be leaving soon and it is too hard.”

Even though I didn’t ever fully embraced that attitude of “not bothering” with friendships, at one point it did become my default setting. Friendships are hard. Goodbyes are hard. Let me keep the good friendships I have going through email and online groups — and just be satisfied with local acquaintances. I don’t need more friends.

Then Hubby was hired by the Department of State. While our lives had been transient before with our own adventures, the military, and as missionaries, we were entering a new phase of life that required international moves every two to three years. During our initial training in DC, one of the people God brought into my life was another FS homeschool mom, Anne. She quickly became a dear friend during that short time of six months. Something about her friendship broke through, and I realized that IRL friendships were worth the vulnerability, even when we know they will be short term.

Good relationships are never guaranteed. I totally didn’t expect the significantly close friendships I’ve had in Nassau — and they have been a gift from God.

 

Practicing Affirmation

Affirmation of the important people in your life makes the hard goodbyes more doable. For some people, I’ve written an email or a card — especially people who I don’t see frequently or have been important to my kids. But for most of my friends, it is important to me to spend one-on-one time before we go and verbally tell them what they have meant to me. The easiest way for me to do this is to invite someone to lunch or coffee, or set up time to walk together and talk. Sometimes these are “goodbye” dates as well, but primarily I focus on the affirmation of what this friend has meant to me and how God has used them in my life.

While the affirmation of key relationships is a priority, during the last few months I also purpose to affirm the people who are regular parts of my life rhythm. . . I express thanks to the cashier I see multiple times a week at my local grocery store. I tell my doctor and his staff how much I appreciate them at my final appointments. My hair stylist. The gate guards. The mail room staff. People at church. Teachers. The bank cashier. I express my thanks, convey the good things of having lived in the host country, and share what I will miss.

 

Affirmation, Not Just Relationships

When we move, I have the opportunity to reflect and affirm the growth God has brought in this place. Our tour in The Bahamas has been a crazy mix of stress, with the opportunities to let go and rest in the Lord.

Seriously, I’m thankful for the liquid xanax of seeing the clear blue water every day. I’m thankful for the slower pace of life. I’m thankful that Hubby isn’t getting middle of the night urgent phone calls from DC that need to be addressed right away.

At the same time, we’ve had significant health issues and stresses this past few years. I’ve had more external stresses and internal struggles with anxiety than just about any time in my life. It’s been an ongoing practice in releasing my anxiety to the Lord, and trusting Him. The Bahamas has been a weird dichotomy of peaceful and stressful. I’m still pondering the areas of growth from this time in life.

 

Good Goodbyes

While goodbyes don’t really get easier with time, I’m more prepared to say goodbye now than I used to be. Just as importantly, I feel more prepared to welcome friendships that I know will be for a limited time.

 

If you are facing a big transition. . .

Have you considered what friends God has brought into your life during this time?

What ways can you affirm your friendships? How can you plan to have meaningful times before you leave?

What ways can you facilitate good good-byes for your children? Have you encouraged them to talk to or write notes to people important to them?

Have you thought about how your friendships may change when you leave, and how you can continue them?

In what areas can you affirm growth in your life?

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Building A RAFT When We Move Series

The Beginning of Goodbyes
Reconciliation: Building a RAFT When We Move
Affirmation: Building a RAFT When We Move
Farewells: Building a RAFT When We Move
Think Ahead / Transitions: Building a RAFT When We Move

Reconciliation: Building a RAFT when we Move

Building a RAFT

Wheels’ up is six weeks from today. While we’re flying out of The Bahamas, I’m more focused on building a RAFT with the kids, in preparation for the move.

“Building a RAFT” is a tool developed by TCK pioneer and sociologist David Pollack. I first came across this idea about two decades ago in the book Raising Resilient MKs (<– free e- version!), and have been implementing this technique in the seven moves since! The “logs” of this raft are Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewells, and Transition/Think Destination.

Sidenote: When I started writing this, I thought I’d give a brief overview of each of the of these aspects in one blog post. Haha! Of course, writing brings to the surface much of what I’ve been pondering and so today I’m going to just focus on Reconciliation.

 

Reconciliation:

In the Eighties, my family moved from the tropical, Mayberry-like base of Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, to the busy (and cold!) suburbs of Chicago. In the midst of my junior high emotions and junior high struggles, I remember my mom admonishing me that there are no “location cures.” Ouch.

My mom knew me, and knew that in typical military kid fashion I had begun to view moves as a solution to problems. She shared her wisdom that when we move, we bring our struggles with us.

The R in RAFT stands for Reconciliation. I apply this in two ways — making sure I seek to make right any disrupted relationships, and looking inward to see what within myself is upset and and needs reconciling.

As I type this, I feel a tightening in my chest and a local friend comes to mind. This is someone I care about, and I wish I could deny the relationship was disrupted. But when I am honest with myself, I know that I have not been the friend to her I want to be, and that I’ve prematurely retreated from the relationship. We have no big conflict which needs to be addressed, but I do need to reconcile before we leave. I know that if I don’t attend to this now, it will be something that will continue to burden me when we move. And I do care about her! I don’t want to leave her with any unresolved stress either. Moving brings an opportunity to consider how, so far as it depends on me, be at peace with all. (Rom 12:18)

Similarly, I’ve talked with my teenagers — what can they do to leave on the best of terms with their friends? Are there any people to whom they need to apologize–or forgive? What problems do they expect to change when we move? My teens are pretty self-aware and know there are no “location cures” — but it’s easy to have that idea infiltrate our subconscious.

 

A Clean Slate

One of the perks of moving is being able to implement in a grand way what Gretchen Rubin calls the Clean Slate strategy. Yes, I do get a fresh start when we move. I can design a new routine, new habits, a new me! — the possibilities feel endless!

But as my Mom tried to counsel me in junior high, a clean slate is not a “location cure.” I bring my own self wherever I go. My internal struggles come along me.

Moving often brings to the surface unresolved internal conflicts. I see my own weaknesses writ large, under the logistical pressures of the move. Unexpected emotions surface.

My hopes for a fresh start when we arrived, feel unfulfilled by the reality of how my days have unfolded in this place.

I’ve found it is important to give time and space during the moving prep, to allow reflection. I take this as time of reflection to see what God has done in my life, as we’ve lived in this place. My struggles, my growth; the stresses, God’s faithfulness. When I actually do this and bring these internal conflicts to the Lord, He brings reconciliation to my soul.

 

A Reminder

My friend Karen Campbell used to start each of her podcasts with the reminder of the promise that is true not just for when we move, but for every day:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23

Amen.

 
 
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Building A RAFT When We Move Series

The Beginning of Goodbyes
Reconciliation: Building a RAFT When We Move
Affirmation: Building a RAFT When We Move
Farewells: Building a RAFT When We Move
Think Ahead / Transitions: Building a RAFT When We Move

The Beginning of Goodbyes

Another Good-bye

We have another big transition looming — we’re leaving Nassau, the Bahamas, after making it our home for three years.

I feel like I’m in a good place. I’m ready for the change, and at the same time not longing for it. I’m preparing, but not rushing to be gone. Each day I’m content, happy to be here — but the days are going by too quickly.

I’ve started my goodbyes.

We’ve moved frequently enough for me to know that I start withdrawing from people and my regular routine about six months before we move. This time I very consciously chose to not think about move logistics or disengage from life here that early. I compartmentalized — even scheduled it on my calendar! — I won’t start planning the move until April.

Yet, life intervened and a series of mild illnesses and guests started in January and disrupted our normal routines. In spite of my planning, we did start withdrawing from our regular routine about six months before the move.

 

Building a RAFT

One of the strategies I’ve leaned on for helping my kids (and myself!) through transitions is TCK pioneer and sociologist David Pollack’s strategy of  “Building a RAFT” (pp. 77-78)I first read about this nearly two decades ago by Jean Larson in the book Raising Resilient MKs <– you can get a free copy is this great resource! (In fact, I first blogged about Building a Raft in 2005 when we getting ready to leave Kyiv the first time.)

As a mom in a family that frequently moves, I really prioritize helping to nurture each family member through transitions. Each of us, in our own way, will go through the ups and downs of moving internally. I can’t weather the storm for them. But I can be with them, and help them build that raft that will help them navigate the rapids of this river of change.

Frequent travelers know, “put on your own oxygen mask first” — I am well aware that I’m not exempt from the challenges of moving. Yet I’ve found that helping my kids process their transitions in the move helps me process my own.

 

What is this RAFT?

Reconciliation
Affirmation
Farewells
Think Ahead

 

 

In the coming days, I’ll be writing more about what RAFTing looks like in our family, especially for our teens.  And I’m interested in what you’ve found helpful for your family when saying goodbyes. . . But it is time for me to get off the laptop where I’m pondering the emotional side of moving, and start sorting through stuff and prep for the material side of moving.

 

Useful acronymns:
MKs – Missionary Kids
TCKs – Third Culture Kids (Growing up outside of their passport country, like many military, diplomat, and multinational corporation families)
PCS – Permanent Change of Station, i.e., moving

 

Useful Resources:
Raising Resilient MKs – Physical Book (aff)
Raising Resilient MKs – Free, Ebook
Building a RAFT, Marilyn Gardner

 
 
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Building A RAFT When We Move Series

The Beginning of Goodbyes
Reconciliation: Building a RAFT When We Move
Affirmation: Building a RAFT When We Move
Farewells: Building a RAFT When We Move
Think Ahead / Transitions: Building a RAFT When We Move

Transitions, Undone

Spring is always a whirlwind for families. It’s already late summer and getting closer to the fall ritual of kids returning to school.

This year our second son graduated high school and we are just weeks away from him leaving for college. He’s ready. I think I am.

But something feels like it has been left undone over these past few months of transition.

What am I going to do? Part of me wants to hold him tight, engage deeply, soak up each last moment.

His summer plans have taken him overseas, and my summer plans have involved travel and home repairs and medical appointments.

I stay in touch with him via messenger. I follow his friends who post pics on Instagram. I try to do the bits and pieces of college paperwork that remain.

But it is so little. So distant. So electronic.

No real hugs. No making coffee for him and talking about both the minutiae of our days and the big plans we have.

What I can do is pray. I trust our sovereign God. I trust that this is His timing for T—— to take the next step.

I remember my mom telling me years ago that the most important work of parenting is done on our knees. I believe this is true. Sometimes I even act like I believe it is true.

The best book I’ve read on parenting is The Praying Life, by Paul Miller  (aff). It has nothing in it about child development or connecting with your teens. Instead, he writes of the importance of prayer and how to make praying a practical part of our parenting.

I struggle with this. I struggle with transitions in life.

I am trusting God to keep us connected.

Ask For Help – #MomHack

Monday #MomHack… Ask for help.

Ask for help from your spouse, your kids, your extended family, your friends, and your church.

We don’t have to go it alone.  We are designed to live within families, within communities.

Asking for help sometimes means hiring a housekeeper, asking another parent to drive your kids places, asking older kids to pitch in more. (Asking them to pitch in more, even when they already do a lot?)

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)  While the context points to this primarily as bearing one another’s burdens of sin and temptation, I don’t think it is a stretch to apply it to bearing one another’s burdens of living in a mixed up, fallen world.  Life is hard.  It is harder when we are alone. 

Sometimes shame keeps us from asking for help.  We feel like we need to have it all together so that we can help others.  Or, sometimes we feel like we have to prove that we don’t “need” the help before we ask for help.  That was how I felt, especially when my older kids were little.  That I had to prove that I could keep up with kids, homeschooling, housekeeping, errands — all of it — before I had “earned” the right to ask for help.   What kind of twisted thinking is that?

It was hard for me to ask for help.  It was hard for me to hire a housekeeper, when I could finally afford one.  I felt like I didn’t deserve the help.  I still struggle — as if I have to prove I wasn’t dumb for having all these kids and choosing motherhood as my primary career path when it really is challenging for me.

When I ask for and graciously receive help from others, I’ve found others are more willing to ask me to help them.  I’m willing to give of my time and energy to other moms — eager, even.  Yet, because I’ve been humbled enough to ask for help, it feels like others are willing to ask me to help them.

This builds community.  This builds our relationships.  This is good.

Ask for help.

That’s my #MomHack this Monday. What about you?

Review: “Love, Honor, and Virtue”

Hal and Melanie Young’s most recent book, “Love, Honor, and Virtue” is a great primer on puberty and purity for parents and sons to use together. (Come back later for a mom-to-mom interview with Melanie!)

 

Mom and boys standing near a loch in Scotland.

My teen boys tower over me… Obviously, they’ve hit puberty!

We have five sons, half of whom are now legal adults. In all honesty, I expected to navigate the muddy waters of adolescence with a little more clarity than I have. Instead, I often punted the ball to my husband who is a bit more direct, rather than addressing things head-on myself.

 

I used to joke that the best way to teach about puberty and reproduction is through mom being pregnant. And while that isn’t the reason WHY we had child #5, it sure was convenient that I was pregnant when the older boys were 12yo – 16yo. It was easy to talk about reproduction, hormones, and birth while living through it. But let’s be honest — we can’t all keep having babies just to make talking about puberty and reproduction easier.

 

Let’s be honest — we can’t all keep having babies just to make talking about reproduction easier.

“Love, Honor, and Virtue” would have been a welcome resource to have when our older boys were first entering adolescence. While there are topics in the book which I wish didn’t need to be addressed in early adolescence (sexting, porn, masturbation), they do need to be brought up at a younger rather than older age. This book would be handy to open the conversation with them about these more challenging issues.

 

Life, love, sex, and development are all connected and part of God’s design. That is the foundational premise of “Love, Honor, and Virtue,” and that is a great starting point.

 

Written directly to the young teens themselves, the book gives a good overview of the biology of puberty and reproduction. The information is specific and accurate. It’s just a primer, though, and eventually I’d want to use biology textbooks and further health resources to for more detail. The biology section addresses some areas especially well, including a summary of the birth process aimed at future fathers and the impact of hormones on male emotions.

 

Life, love, sex, and development are all connected and part of God’s design.

Our culture assumes hormones will impact young women’s emotions, and ignore that those become cyclically predictable and therefore somewhat easier to handle. I find that young men are surprised at how hormonal changes lead to mood changes — and at how confusing it can be when these emotion swings seem to come out of nowhere. (This was one of our topics of conversation as we drove to church just yesterday!)

 

As I expected, this book communicates a Biblical sexual ethic clearly. I appreciated the discussion on how we tend rationalize our sin, including sexual sin. Some materials in the Christian market err either in making light of sexual sin, or presenting it in doom and gloom morass that will ensnare everyone. The Youngs are frank about sexual temptation and the seriousness of sexual sin, without presenting fighting sin as a hopeless cause. In addition to Scriptural encouragement, they address some very practical ways to fight temptation, as well as some of the biological factors (dopamine!) which make it harder to resist temptation.

 

“Love, Honor, and Virtue” is a great primer on puberty and purity.

What I didn’t expect was the depths of discussion on boy/girl relationships — friendships as well as relationships leading to marriage. I think we’ve learned over the past few decades that it is not healthy to cling closely to idealistic relational models(courtship! betrothal! dating!) I found that the Youngs provided young men with very helpful insights into relationships, without being prescriptive. Rather than a “don’t do this” list of rules, they offered counsel on practical ways to build good friendships with young women which may (or may not) lead to marriage.

 

In discussing the book with one of my sons, I was surprised at the area where he and I disagreed. I liked the rule of thumb, “Are you finding your desire rising in a situation or activity? Then it’s time to back down. . .” (page 42.) That seemed sensible to me, especially as a mom, and remembering my own desires. My son, on the other hand, didn’t like that — he expressed wanting more “rules” of what to do and not to do. Similarly, I liked the idea that young men treat women in their lives as mothers or sisters — another son didn’t. While he wants to respect a girlfriend like a sister, he felt weird considering a girl he likes as a “sister or mother.”

I even appreciate areas in which I disagree with the book, as it opens the doors for conversation.

 
A few areas I would approach differently — yet I even appreciate areas in which I disagree with the book, as it opens the doors for conversation in our family. Really, though, what mom wants to talk about masturbation with boys? That’s a conversation I leave for my husband.

 

 

As a holistic introduction to puberty — biological, spiritual, social — I highly recommend “Love, Honor, and Virtue” for parents and young teen boys.

 

 

 

When I saw that the Young’s were working on this book, I (selfishly!) requested a review copy. The above is my personal opinion and does not contain affiliate links. Stay tuned for an upcoming interview (also selfishly requested) with Melanie Young!

5 Ways Parents Can Help Teens Sleep

As parents, we often suffer under the delusion that we have more control over our kids’ lives–and sleep–than we actually do.

Just ask any mother of a sleep-resistant infant who has tried every trick in the book.  Can you make that baby sleep?  Nope.  You can do a lot to help foster sleepiness and good sleep habits, but you can’t actually make that little one close her eyes and sleep.

Similarly, we can’t actually make our teens sleep.  And the reality is I would rather have my teens learn responsibility and self-regulation, than control their sleep myself.

So, what CAN a parent do to help teenagers get close to getting enough sleep?

 

1. Model good sleep hygiene.

We all know that “more is caught than taught” — and this is true of sleep patterns as well.

I live barefoot and in sandals. Every night I use a baby wipe to clean my feet before getting in bed. My toddler pulls out a baby wipe and cleans her little piggies, too.  It’s adorable, and I’m sure you remember your toddlers copying everything you did. It may not be as apparent, but our teens are also copying what we do.  The rhythms of their lives they have picked up from watching us.

I’ll be honest, I’ve had to work on my own sleep habits and it hasn’t been easy.  Making the  bedroom a peaceful place, a consistent bedtime and wak-up  time, daytime exercise, turning off electronica early in the evening, letting go of stress, and having a regular evening routine… These are the good sleep habits we want our teens to practice and we need to start by modeling them.

How is your sleep hygiene? Do you have a before bed routine, or do you stay up as late as you possibly can and sleep in as late as possible on weekends? Our teens are taking their cues on sleep from us.

 

2. Regulate light

Melatonin, the hormone linked to the sleep regulation, seems to be controlled by the exposure to natural light. Bright light in the morning helps us wake up, and dim lights at night trigger the production of melatonin to help us get good sleep.

In the morning, we can open blinds and turn on lights throughout the house. We can dim the lights when the sun goes down, and maybe even light candles. Exposure to the blue light from screens seems to suppress melatonin. This is tricky when it comes to teens, who often have to do homework on the computer at night or are still engaged socially with friends.

We want to help our teens take ownership of their own sleep cycles and school responsibilities, and so in our family we  don’t “make” them get off their computers at a certain time. However, we model making sure we aren’t using devices about a half hour before bed and encourage them to do the same.

We’ve found some tech helps useful as well.  We’ve installed and encouraged our teens to use f.lux software, which automatically changes a computer/phone screen to be less bright and more warm as it gets later.

At an agreed upon time in the evening, our internet is programmed to go off (through Covenant Eyes–affiliate link). We’ve worked to get buy-in from the teens, rather than made a unilateral decision about this.

 

3. Create a Calm Atmosphere in Our Homes

Make your bedroom a sleep haven, the experts say. Reality in my family? The teens’ rooms are often messy and not the “sleep haven” I would envision. I’m not going to go in and take over. But I do try to make sure they have sheets, blankets and pillows they find comfortable — and you know, everyone is different with that.

While they are responsible for the upkeep of their rooms, without invading their space, I’ll change the sheets, grab dirty clothes, empty the trash from time to time. Not to invade their space, but help them stay on top of it. Again, this is where modeling comes in. My bedroom is not a “sleep haven” either, yet. But we’re working on it.

As parents, we can do more in the public areas of our home.  We turn the thermostat cooler at night.  What about making an evening routine of dimming the lights, lighting candles, putting on calming music?

Teens and parents need evening routines almost as much as toddlers and preschoolers. But our routines are no longer bath and bedtime story.  What might it look like for you and your teens? Making herbal tea? Asking about their day? It’s amazing how hearts often open up when the lights go down.

 

4. Create a Calm Atmosphere in our Relationships

Stress and the stress hormone cortisol work against us going to sleep. And the resulting lack of sleep leads to increased cortisol production. It’s a perverse cycle that works against our teens getting the sleep they really need.

Many teens feel intense pressure to perform — in sports, in school, and in peer relationships. While we can not take away all the stresses in their lives, we can work to create calm in our relationships with them.

Conveying our unconditional love and acceptance to our children can help alleviate the anxiety to perform, especially in the areas of academics and sports. It’s tricky to communicate confidence in their abilities through high expectations, without implying pressure to perform.

Even though we dearly love our teens, the reality is our relationships will have conflict.  That is part of life and close relationships.

Yet we can have control (sometimes!) over the timing of conflict, and to the best of our abilities, we can avoid conflict and adding stress to our teens in the evening.

I try not to have conflict with the kids in the evening.

In the “pick your moment” life hack, Gretchen Rubin recommends waiting for the right time to address something that may be particularly challenging. This is great for parenting teens. They aren’t toddlers who will forget if not corrected right away.
My coaching on the right way to clean the kitchen doesn’t have to happen after dinner.  That’s when it bothers me and when I want to deal with it — but it could easily trigger conflict and a cortisol dump, and doesn’t need to be addressed then.   I can wait for a time when they are receptive to hearing, we are both feeling positive, and not dump a bunch of stress on them when they are supposed to be winding down for sleep.

 

5. Understand Your Teen and His Sleep

Experts estimate that teens need 8 – 10 hours of sleep each night. Is your teen getting that? Mine aren’t.  Even though I understand my teen’s NEED for sleep, beyond that I need to understand my teen.

Lack of sufficient sleep snowballs in to a whole host of issues.  But the big one in our home?

Tired teens and parents are cranky.  Irritable.  Irrational.   It’s true for me when I don’t get enough sleep, and it’s true for my teens.

This is where the power of understanding comes in. . .  When we understand these external factors and internal issues, we are empowered to act and not react.   Understanding the pressures they are under to stay up and get schoolwork done helps us encourage them. Understanding when they snap at us with an attitude when first waking up, helps us overlook the offense and not take it personally.

Ultimately, the power of understanding helps me “bear with one another in love,” and show that love in patient ways to my teens. And if I can’t give my teens the sleep they need, at the least I can give them understanding and love.

Time is Short / Teens and Connection

It’s February.

 
In June my second son will be moving the tassel, graduating from high school.

 
It’s a little different this time. My first son finished high school as a home school student, with minimal fanfare. The school my kids are attending now has all the pomp and circumstance they can muster up for a high school graduation.
 

Not only is our time before he leaves limited, but even our time together now is scarce.

 
My son is waiting to hear whether he was accepted by his dream schools — and whether they offer a financial aid package to make those dreams a reality. But my reality is that very soon he’ll be going off to college and our family dynamics will be changing again.

 
Our time with him under our roof is short.

 
How many Sundays do we have left, our family filling a whole pew as we worship together?

 
How many family dinners? How many more Taco Tuesdays?

 

Not only is our time before he leaves limited, but even our time together now is scarce. School demands a lot from him. College and scholarship applications demand the energy he isn’t giving to school.

 

Time is scarce, and it is also precious.

And the logistics of life are demanding a lot from me — especially with other kids at home, including a precocious preschooler and toddler who never sits still! Living overseas seems to double the time routine errands take. Time is scarce.

 
Time is scarce, and it is also precious. This is a unique season in our son’s life. He’s making decisions. He’s seeking our guidance. Our relationship has been shifting over the years, and we are his trusted advisers. Yes, we are his parents — but he is also growing in his independence.

 
For our family, the pace of change seems to be snowballing.

Nobody mentioned when I was having babies in quick succession is that they would be flying the nest in quick succession.

 
One thing nobody mentioned when I was having babies in quick succession is that they would be flying the nest in quick succession as well. People always reminded me, “Oh, the time when they are little goes so fast.” But they never told me that just as much as my hands were full with toddlers and preschoolers, my heart would be full but my nest emptying as they became adults.

 
We have sons graduating this year, next year, and the following. Soon we’ll have four kids in college and graduate school.

 
So many of you are in the same season of life — but perhaps not multiplied by as many teens as we have. Whether you have one teen at home or several, we are in this together. This is our one and only chance at these years.

 

Whether you have one teen at home or several, we are in this together. This is our one and only chance at these years.

Your other children may have already flown the nest — or maybe the next ones are barely verging on the tween years. Are feeling the same tension I am feeling? Are you feeling that urge to connect/reconnect with your teen during this time of transition?

 
We can’t turn back the clock. As much as I treasure my memories of when the teens were younger, I really don’t want to return to those years. Yet I feel the intensity of the time now — how am I going to find the energy, how am I going to make the time to really connect with my teen?

 
Toddlers and preschoolers are easy. Well, maybe not easy — but I know how to mother and nurture that age. I’m on a new journey now, really focusing on being connected with my teens.

 
The time is short, and connection is vital. I believe we can make these the best years of parenting yet. We can resolve connect as we journey towards letting go.

Arrows, Soaring

When the boys were younger, they had plastic toy bows and arrows. I remember playing with the boys, and shooting arrows with them.

I draw back the arrow, the bow bends — and I’m worried that I’m going to break the plastic bow if I pull too hard. The string is taut and tense and for a moment before I release the arrow.

I’m living in that moment now, feeling the pulling tension between the bow and string.

We’re on the verge of great action, energy, loosening, flying, soaring, aiming towards a goal. . . Pulling back and taking aim. Drawing firmly, but not too hard with this plastic toy bow. The bow is stressed.

In this analogy, it only seems proper that the young adults are the arrows getting ready to soar.

But where does that leave me? Am I the bow? The string? The archer? I’m not sure.

Things are taut. There is tension. Everyone in our family feels it. We are all living through this time of stretching and expectation.

I want to be in this together. Connected. Not working at odds with one another, but pulling together. Aimed at the same target. On the same team.

We’re working on that.

Being connected, while preparing to release.