Category: Mommy Encouragement Files

When I Give Advice. . .

I have six kids.  Perhaps unsurprisingly, people ask me for mothering advice.

Advice.  I bristle at that word. As if I know your family better than you do.

Yet I am willing to share where we’ve been, what we’ve learned, and how we’ve failed or succeeded along the way.

You are just the right mother for your children.  They are the just right children for you.

I’m still knee-deep in laundry and playdates and diapers and driving lessons.  I don’t have all the answers.  But I am willing to encourage you, right where you are, with the children God has put in your life.

With anything I share, I want to emphasize that God made you the mother of your children.  You are just the right mother for the little ones God has entrusted to you.  They are the just right children for you.  No one can love and know your children like you do.

I hope that you are surrounded by people who are encouraging and supportive.  I want to be part of that chorus of encouragement in the middle of the nitty-gritty challenges and joys.

Yet the end of the day, God put your children in your family as part of His plan.   You love her and will nurture them.  Somehow in His infinite goodness, even when you make mistakes (and even sin against them!), He is using that as your children grow in to the people God created them to be.

When I give advice, please hear it as from a friend who wants to encourage you, and trusts you are you make decisions for your family.

Ask For Help – #MomHack

Monday #MomHack… Ask for help.

Ask for help from your spouse, your kids, your extended family, your friends, and your church.

We don’t have to go it alone.  We are designed to live within families, within communities.

Asking for help sometimes means hiring a housekeeper, asking another parent to drive your kids places, asking older kids to pitch in more. (Asking them to pitch in more, even when they already do a lot?)

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)  While the context points to this primarily as bearing one another’s burdens of sin and temptation, I don’t think it is a stretch to apply it to bearing one another’s burdens of living in a mixed up, fallen world.  Life is hard.  It is harder when we are alone. 

Sometimes shame keeps us from asking for help.  We feel like we need to have it all together so that we can help others.  Or, sometimes we feel like we have to prove that we don’t “need” the help before we ask for help.  That was how I felt, especially when my older kids were little.  That I had to prove that I could keep up with kids, homeschooling, housekeeping, errands — all of it — before I had “earned” the right to ask for help.   What kind of twisted thinking is that?

It was hard for me to ask for help.  It was hard for me to hire a housekeeper, when I could finally afford one.  I felt like I didn’t deserve the help.  I still struggle — as if I have to prove I wasn’t dumb for having all these kids and choosing motherhood as my primary career path when it really is challenging for me.

When I ask for and graciously receive help from others, I’ve found others are more willing to ask me to help them.  I’m willing to give of my time and energy to other moms — eager, even.  Yet, because I’ve been humbled enough to ask for help, it feels like others are willing to ask me to help them.

This builds community.  This builds our relationships.  This is good.

Ask for help.

That’s my #MomHack this Monday. What about you?

5 Ways Parents Can Help Teens Sleep

As parents, we often suffer under the delusion that we have more control over our kids’ lives–and sleep–than we actually do.

Just ask any mother of a sleep-resistant infant who has tried every trick in the book.  Can you make that baby sleep?  Nope.  You can do a lot to help foster sleepiness and good sleep habits, but you can’t actually make that little one close her eyes and sleep.

Similarly, we can’t actually make our teens sleep.  And the reality is I would rather have my teens learn responsibility and self-regulation, than control their sleep myself.

So, what CAN a parent do to help teenagers get close to getting enough sleep?

 

1. Model good sleep hygiene.

We all know that “more is caught than taught” — and this is true of sleep patterns as well.

I live barefoot and in sandals. Every night I use a baby wipe to clean my feet before getting in bed. My toddler pulls out a baby wipe and cleans her little piggies, too.  It’s adorable, and I’m sure you remember your toddlers copying everything you did. It may not be as apparent, but our teens are also copying what we do.  The rhythms of their lives they have picked up from watching us.

I’ll be honest, I’ve had to work on my own sleep habits and it hasn’t been easy.  Making the  bedroom a peaceful place, a consistent bedtime and wak-up  time, daytime exercise, turning off electronica early in the evening, letting go of stress, and having a regular evening routine… These are the good sleep habits we want our teens to practice and we need to start by modeling them.

How is your sleep hygiene? Do you have a before bed routine, or do you stay up as late as you possibly can and sleep in as late as possible on weekends? Our teens are taking their cues on sleep from us.

 

2. Regulate light

Melatonin, the hormone linked to the sleep regulation, seems to be controlled by the exposure to natural light. Bright light in the morning helps us wake up, and dim lights at night trigger the production of melatonin to help us get good sleep.

In the morning, we can open blinds and turn on lights throughout the house. We can dim the lights when the sun goes down, and maybe even light candles. Exposure to the blue light from screens seems to suppress melatonin. This is tricky when it comes to teens, who often have to do homework on the computer at night or are still engaged socially with friends.

We want to help our teens take ownership of their own sleep cycles and school responsibilities, and so in our family we  don’t “make” them get off their computers at a certain time. However, we model making sure we aren’t using devices about a half hour before bed and encourage them to do the same.

We’ve found some tech helps useful as well.  We’ve installed and encouraged our teens to use f.lux software, which automatically changes a computer/phone screen to be less bright and more warm as it gets later.

At an agreed upon time in the evening, our internet is programmed to go off (through Covenant Eyes–affiliate link). We’ve worked to get buy-in from the teens, rather than made a unilateral decision about this.

 

3. Create a Calm Atmosphere in Our Homes

Make your bedroom a sleep haven, the experts say. Reality in my family? The teens’ rooms are often messy and not the “sleep haven” I would envision. I’m not going to go in and take over. But I do try to make sure they have sheets, blankets and pillows they find comfortable — and you know, everyone is different with that.

While they are responsible for the upkeep of their rooms, without invading their space, I’ll change the sheets, grab dirty clothes, empty the trash from time to time. Not to invade their space, but help them stay on top of it. Again, this is where modeling comes in. My bedroom is not a “sleep haven” either, yet. But we’re working on it.

As parents, we can do more in the public areas of our home.  We turn the thermostat cooler at night.  What about making an evening routine of dimming the lights, lighting candles, putting on calming music?

Teens and parents need evening routines almost as much as toddlers and preschoolers. But our routines are no longer bath and bedtime story.  What might it look like for you and your teens? Making herbal tea? Asking about their day? It’s amazing how hearts often open up when the lights go down.

 

4. Create a Calm Atmosphere in our Relationships

Stress and the stress hormone cortisol work against us going to sleep. And the resulting lack of sleep leads to increased cortisol production. It’s a perverse cycle that works against our teens getting the sleep they really need.

Many teens feel intense pressure to perform — in sports, in school, and in peer relationships. While we can not take away all the stresses in their lives, we can work to create calm in our relationships with them.

Conveying our unconditional love and acceptance to our children can help alleviate the anxiety to perform, especially in the areas of academics and sports. It’s tricky to communicate confidence in their abilities through high expectations, without implying pressure to perform.

Even though we dearly love our teens, the reality is our relationships will have conflict.  That is part of life and close relationships.

Yet we can have control (sometimes!) over the timing of conflict, and to the best of our abilities, we can avoid conflict and adding stress to our teens in the evening.

I try not to have conflict with the kids in the evening.

In the “pick your moment” life hack, Gretchen Rubin recommends waiting for the right time to address something that may be particularly challenging. This is great for parenting teens. They aren’t toddlers who will forget if not corrected right away.
My coaching on the right way to clean the kitchen doesn’t have to happen after dinner.  That’s when it bothers me and when I want to deal with it — but it could easily trigger conflict and a cortisol dump, and doesn’t need to be addressed then.   I can wait for a time when they are receptive to hearing, we are both feeling positive, and not dump a bunch of stress on them when they are supposed to be winding down for sleep.

 

5. Understand Your Teen and His Sleep

Experts estimate that teens need 8 – 10 hours of sleep each night. Is your teen getting that? Mine aren’t.  Even though I understand my teen’s NEED for sleep, beyond that I need to understand my teen.

Lack of sufficient sleep snowballs in to a whole host of issues.  But the big one in our home?

Tired teens and parents are cranky.  Irritable.  Irrational.   It’s true for me when I don’t get enough sleep, and it’s true for my teens.

This is where the power of understanding comes in. . .  When we understand these external factors and internal issues, we are empowered to act and not react.   Understanding the pressures they are under to stay up and get schoolwork done helps us encourage them. Understanding when they snap at us with an attitude when first waking up, helps us overlook the offense and not take it personally.

Ultimately, the power of understanding helps me “bear with one another in love,” and show that love in patient ways to my teens. And if I can’t give my teens the sleep they need, at the least I can give them understanding and love.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

Colossians 3:12-14 (ESV)

Time is Short / Teens and Connection

It’s February.

 
In June my second son will be moving the tassel, graduating from high school.

 
It’s a little different this time. My first son finished high school as a home school student, with minimal fanfare. The school my kids are attending now has all the pomp and circumstance they can muster up for a high school graduation.
 

Not only is our time before he leaves limited, but even our time together now is scarce.

 
My son is waiting to hear whether he was accepted by his dream schools — and whether they offer a financial aid package to make those dreams a reality. But my reality is that very soon he’ll be going off to college and our family dynamics will be changing again.

 
Our time with him under our roof is short.

 
How many Sundays do we have left, our family filling a whole pew as we worship together?

 
How many family dinners? How many more Taco Tuesdays?

 

Not only is our time before he leaves limited, but even our time together now is scarce. School demands a lot from him. College and scholarship applications demand the energy he isn’t giving to school.

 

Time is scarce, and it is also precious.

And the logistics of life are demanding a lot from me — especially with other kids at home, including a precocious preschooler and toddler who never sits still! Living overseas seems to double the time routine errands take. Time is scarce.

 
Time is scarce, and it is also precious. This is a unique season in our son’s life. He’s making decisions. He’s seeking our guidance. Our relationship has been shifting over the years, and we are his trusted advisers. Yes, we are his parents — but he is also growing in his independence.

 
For our family, the pace of change seems to be snowballing.

Nobody mentioned when I was having babies in quick succession is that they would be flying the nest in quick succession.

 
One thing nobody mentioned when I was having babies in quick succession is that they would be flying the nest in quick succession as well. People always reminded me, “Oh, the time when they are little goes so fast.” But they never told me that just as much as my hands were full with toddlers and preschoolers, my heart would be full but my nest emptying as they became adults.

 
We have sons graduating this year, next year, and the following. Soon we’ll have four kids in college and graduate school.

 
So many of you are in the same season of life — but perhaps not multiplied by as many teens as we have. Whether you have one teen at home or several, we are in this together. This is our one and only chance at these years.

 

Whether you have one teen at home or several, we are in this together. This is our one and only chance at these years.

Your other children may have already flown the nest — or maybe the next ones are barely verging on the tween years. Are feeling the same tension I am feeling? Are you feeling that urge to connect/reconnect with your teen during this time of transition?

 
We can’t turn back the clock. As much as I treasure my memories of when the teens were younger, I really don’t want to return to those years. Yet I feel the intensity of the time now — how am I going to find the energy, how am I going to make the time to really connect with my teen?

 
Toddlers and preschoolers are easy. Well, maybe not easy — but I know how to mother and nurture that age. I’m on a new journey now, really focusing on being connected with my teens.

 
The time is short, and connection is vital. I believe we can make these the best years of parenting yet. We can resolve connect as we journey towards letting go.

Restoring Gently and Bearing Burdens

At this stage in my life, so much of my reading and studying is filtered through the perspective of mothering. This includes my study of the Bible and theology. I find the deeper I dig into God’s Word, the more light it shines on my life–and how I ought to mother.

 

“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
Galatians 6:1-2

 

“Brothers. . .” This passage is written to Believers. As parents, God has given us special responsibility towards our children. But they are also our “brothers” and in the Covenant.

As parents, God has given us special responsibility towards our children. But they are also our “brothers” and in the Covenant.

 

My friend Kristen shared,  “We went to Ash Wednesday services at the beginning of Lent with Kate at the Episcopal church around the corner (we missed liturgy) and when the priest put ashes on her little forehead, it really made an impact on me. As much as I am her mother, I am also her sister in Christ. This has been really helpful to me in thinking through parenting issues. Most Christians wouldn’t serve wine to a fellow Christian who was a recovering alcoholic. Why do they discipline their children and then set them up to do the same things again?”

 

In his commentary on Galatians, Martin Luther clarifies that “caught in sin” is not speaking about doctrinal errors, “but about far lesser sins into which people fall not deliberately, but through weakness.”

 

As our children are learning right from wrong, they will sin. As they are growing through various stages of development, they will have greater or lesser control over their impulses.

 

Luther goes on to say, “is caught in imply being tricked by the devil or sinful nature.”  Sinful nature, temptation, weakness, developmental stages–remembering these sins of our children are part of their weakness helps me respond to them with compassion.

 

Luther states, “Paul therefore teaches how those who have fallen should be dealt with–namely those who are strong should raise them up and restore them gently.”

 

I don’t always feel “strong” or “spiritual.” Often I feel weak and struggling myself. But it is my responsibility to raise my children and be strong for them. We have no trouble with the idea of parents being a “mama bear” protecting her young child. I also want to be strong spiritually to correct them gently, to be the “mama bear” to help my children when they are struggling with sin.

 

It’s interesting to note that this passage is immediately proceeded by the admonitions to walk in the Spirit and the list of the fruit of the Spirit– love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. These should be on my mind as I restore my children gently.

 

Luther reinforces the idea of this passage reminding us of “the fatherly and motherly affection that Paul requires of those who have charge over souls.”

 

What does “restoring gently” look like?

 

Luther explains, “when they see that those persons are sorrowful for their offenses, they should begin to raise them up again, to comfort them, and to mitigate their faults as much as they can—yet through mercy only, which they must set against sin, lest those who have fallen are swallowed up with depression.” And “. . .gently, and not in the zeal of severe justice.”

 

To be honest, at times I’ve had Christian mothers advocate some child-training approaches that seemed to have more of the “zeal of severe justice” than how Luther describes the Holy Spirit’s correction, “mild and pitiful in forbearing.”

we are told to “carry each other’s burdens.” I see this, in light of mothering, as an especial entreaty to know our particular children and their particular weaknesses.

 

After restoring gently, we are told to “carry each other’s burdens.” I see this, in light of mothering, as an especial entreaty to know our particular children and their particular weaknesses.

 

One of my preschool sons was insecure around lots of guests–and he responded in the past by getting very loud, climbing on furniture, and even hitting a guest. I’ve found that to carry his burden means I prepare him beforehand for our guests, and I hold his hand when they arrive, until he is comfortable and calm. Another son was prone to lash out at his brothers when he was angry. Bearing his burden has meant praying with him and for him, helping him recognize when he feels anger rising, and giving him strategies to deal with that anger without hitting. And it has meant letting him know it’s good to come to me and say, “Mommy, I’m angry” so I can help him not sin in his anger.

 

Also in this encouragement to carry one another’s burdens, it strikes me how wrong it is to follow the child-training technique of placing a child in a situation of temptation–to test him and see whether he can withstand it (or be punished.) This method is encouraged by some for training toddlers and preschoolers, and seems to be very contrary to bearing the burdens of temptation.

 

Luther also comments on this passage that sometimes in bearing with one another, things need to just be let go–“These people are the ones who are overtaken by sin and have the burdens that Paul commands us to carry. In this case, let us not be rigorous and merciless, but follow the example of Christ, who bears and forbears these burdens. If he does not punish them, though He might do so with justice, much less ought we to do so.”

 

“And watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. . .” For parents, I see this as a two-fold warning. First, to be gentle, not be angry—the caution here illustrates how very easy it is to slip into being harsh.

 

And also I see the warning not to be tempted to pride. When we become concerned about appearing to be “good parents” it is easy to slip into correcting harshly, minutely. This is one of the areas in which I struggled a lot, especially when my children were smaller. And especially when we were guests in churches and people’s homes. I felt pressure (from myself even more than others) for my kids to be perfect and “prove” we were worthy to be missionaries. That pressure tempted me both into pride in my children’s good behaviour, as well being overly picky and correcting unnecessarily.

 

“Christians (parents!) must have strong shoulders and mighty bones, so they can carry their brother’s weaknesses. . .” — Martin Luther

The end of these verses is “in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

 

As Martin Luther said, “After Christ had redeemed us, renewed us, and made us his church, he gave us no other law but that of mutual love. To love is not to wish one another well, but to carry one another’s burdens–that is, things that are grievous to us, and that we would not willingly bear. Therefore, Christians (parents!) must have strong shoulders and mighty bones, so they can carry their brother’s weaknesses. . . Love, therefore, is mild, courteous, and patient, not in receiving, but in giving, for it is constrained to wink at many things and to bear them.”

 

Footnote: Quotations are from the Crossway Commentary series,

Martin Luther on Galatians. Luther’s commentary is also available free online, in a variant translation.

 

*****

 
It’s funny how some of the lessons the Lord leads us through circle back again for us. I continue to pray that the Lord will show me how to “restore gently” as I’m once again in the toddler/preschool years and as we navigate the new road of our children being adults. Originally posted May 2005 and January 2010.

 

Shifting Sands. . . and Teens

Life has shifted.

My oldest has been away at college for three years. The next three teens graduate high school in the next three years. One right after another.

I had four kids in five years when I was in my 20s.

It was exciting, it was fun, it was exhausting.

Well-meaning people would be sympathetic to the work and energy required, and would offer advice and encouragement. “remember, they are little for such a short time!” I embraced that. The days are long and the years are short, was my mantra when I was knee-deep in laundry and nursing and noise.

What those well-meaning people didn’t remember to say was that they are only teens for a short time, too. One day they would all be starting high school, then I would blink, and they would be gone.

We did treasure the early years. We have happy memories of making play dough and building pyramids and the Sphinx. We did treasure the middle years. We built our family traditions. Even now the kids know to expect socks and underwear in their Christmas stickies, along with some candy and an orange — a tradition started during our leanest years when I tried to make the gifts under the tree look more abundant with necessities.

Your memories are likely much like mine, full of funny family stories and laughter. You were intentional, investing your time and yourself into your children. Even when you remember the struggles, I bet overall you feel like it has been a joy.

Life is good now, too. Yet, I feel a shift in our family dynamics — and something isn’t quite how I want it.

I don’t have the energy I once had, and the intense emotional and intellectual needs of teens is hard. I’ve felt myself become more distracted — distracted both by the logistics of life and the technology right at hand.

I love my teens dearly, and we’ve been a close family. Yet, I get surprised by what I don’t know about them. I’m sad that we aren’t as attached as we once were. I know that they are growing and maturing and that is good — and at the same time, I feel like we can get to a place of being more connected.

This has been on my mind a lot lately. It’s been in my conversations with Hubby and even with the teens. I don’t want us to just drift through these last years at home and drift apart. We need connection.

“It is surprising how seldom books on parenting talk about prayer. We instinctively believe that if we have the right biblical principles and apply them consistently, our kids will turn out right. But that didn’t work for God in the Garden of Eden. Perfect environment. Perfect relationships.

And still God’s two children went bad.
“Many parents, including myself, are initially confident we can change our child. We don’t surrender to our child’s will (which is good), but we try to dominate the child with our own (which is bad). Without realizing it, we become demanding….
“Until we become convinced we can’t change our child’s heart, we will not take prayer seriously….”
Paul E. Miller, A Praying Life